


Please, just hold me

by TheTomBoy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Gay Relationship, Comfort Food, Cutting, Dorks in Love, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-04 22:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12781293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTomBoy/pseuds/TheTomBoy
Summary: Please read hashtags.Magnus comes home to see Alec in the bedroom. He's breaking apart, and Magnus tries desperately to keep him together.





	Please, just hold me

**Author's Note:**

> This is set after season 2 , when the war is over. Alec often sleep at Magnus place, who had began to see something he finds alarming.
> 
> May be triggering.

Alec never told people when he was bothered. That's why Magnus often asked, just to make sure he was okay. He did not want his boyfriend to go through the same thing he did, just because he was too stubborn to ask for help. He knew Alec was annoyed by it sometimes, but he needed to ask. If not for Alec, but for himself. Nothing was more devastating for him than to see his lover stand on that ledge, and he never wanted to see it again. He knew it was the magic, yet something inside of him told him Alec was hurting. He often looked tired, even though he slept with Magnus through the whole night. But it was not uncommon for Alec to scream them both awake at 3 AM either by some nightmare. In that case Magnus just held him until he fell back asleep. Himself never did. He stayed up the whole night, just to make sure Alec slept peacefully for the rest of the night. Nor did he eat either. Magnus often just waved his hand to make delicious food appear on the table, and sure, sometimes Alec ate. But Magnus always noticed how sick he looked afterwards, and frayed. He had not asked, but he still think he knows. Alec was depressed. Magnus recognized the signs, he had been through it himself, and never really healed.

Magnus opened the door to his apartment with a heavy sigh, relieved to finally be home. Today's client was more than difficult. She wanted something to make her husband stop snoring, and was never pleased. "Alec?" He called into the apartment, expecting an answer. Alec was often there now when he had the time, and he often had. He and Jace shared the responsibly of the Institute so Alec could spend more time there. 

"Yeah." He heard a voice from inside the bedroom, and closed the door behind him. Walking up to the open bedroom door he gently knocked on the doorframe. He was met with Alec's back as he sat on the bed, shoulders slumped. His hand was raised as it looked like he was wiping something off of his face. "I didn't expect you so early." He said in a somehow tired voice and turned to face Magnus, a smile on his face. His face was red, and his nose and lips a bit swollen. The smile looked really fake with the clear pain in his eyes. "Did it go well?"

Magnus now had a small frown on his face, but nodded. "As well as expected." Alec nodded, knowing how difficult some of Magnus costumers could be.

"Alec..." Magnus said and walked up to the bed, standing beside Alec, who looked up at him questionably. "You remember when I asked you to tell me if things got bad?" At the nod he received he sat next to Alec on the very edge of the bed. "Well....I've seen you. You're always tired, you barely eat anymore." Alec looked at him like a scared dear, ready to bolt. Seeing it Magnus took his hands in his, holding them together lovingly on his thigh. He saw how Alec slowly relaxed, and began to hold Magnus hands back as the Warlock softly stroked his knuckles. "I just want to help, don't push me away." 

Alec swallowed hard and looked down at the hands on his lovers thigh. He looked at all of his rings with 'M's on them, and noticed how Magnus had painted his nails black today, different from yesterday's purple. "I like black nail polish better on you." He whispered, and heard a soft sigh. "Alec, I've been in your situation. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about."  
"I'm not ashamed." Alec said defensively, before his shoulders slumped again."Just...scared." Magnus frowned, now really concerned. Just as he was about to ask about it, Alec spoke again, eyes fixed on their hands. "Scared that I'll be too much of a handful...scared that you'll get tired of me and just leave..." Magnus tightened his grip on their hands and lowered his head to try to meet Alec's gaze, who closed his eyes. "Alec...I would never do that." Alec slowly, and hesitantly rose his eyes to meet Magnus gaze. The warlock had tears in his brown puppy eyes, which made Alec feel guilty. The Shadow hunter sighed and looked down in his lap. After a moment of silence, he spoke. "I guess I've..had a rough time lately." 

Magnus just watched him, not judging or pressing him. Just giving his support by stroking his boyfriends knuckles, a sign he was there, and that he was always gonna be there. Alec sighed and pressed his eyes shut, before he just said it. "I hurt myself earlier." Magnus closed his eyes in a quiet sigh, eyebrows knotted together in sorrow and guilt. "I'm sorry." At the crack in Alec's voice he opened his eyes again, and watched his boyfriend furiously wipe away tears that fell down his cheeks. "I tried to...to..." He gasped between breaths, and swallowed hard. Collecting himself he turned to Magnus, biting his lower lip. "...but I didn't...like I promised." 

"It's alright Alexander." Magnus said softly. "Wanna show me? I can help clean them up." Alec nodded and sniffed, before he rose his hand and pulled his sleeve back. He had three red lines on the inside of his wrist. They were all red and irritated, and Magnus had no idea, and dared not to think about what had used. Whatever it was it was not sharp enough the break the skin, only leave ugly lines on Alec's beautiful skin. Taking the arm in his hands as gently as he could he placed it in his lap. Holding the sleeve up Alec watched the pain in the Warlock's eyes, and he knew he was disappointed in him. Raising a hand Magnus placed it over Alec's arm, and a soft blue light lit up their skin. When it went out, all that was left was clean skin, all the redness and irritation gone. Alec looked at them, feeling the shame sink in. Magnus should't have to deal with this.  
"Tell me next time, alright?" Magnus suddenly said, and Alec looked up at him before he could stop himself. Looking him in the eyes Alec had to nod, not trusting his voice. Magnus gave him a small smile, which looked awkward with the tears in his eyes. "Please just hold me." Alec whispered. Leaning forward Magnus hugged Alec tightly to his chest, feeling the boy crumble in his arms. "I love you." He said softly and kissed the dark hair, which made Alec sniff as the tears now streamed down his cheeks. "It's okay, I'm here with you Alexander..."

They just sat there for a long time. Magnus held Alec as he cried, holding Magnus shirt in big handfuls. Sobbing into his shoulder he did somehow feel safe, and warm. Magnus was always so warm to hug, and just the smell of him would make Alec feel better if his nose wasn't clogged. Warm hands slowly rubbed his back and shoulders, slowly and effectively releasing some tension. Magnus was not rushing him or pressing him. He just let him take the time he needed. "Magnus?" Alec suddenly whispered between his now softer sobs. Not leaning back or even stop rubbing his back Magnus hummed, showing he was listening. "Why are you still here?" Surprised Magnus leaned back, gripping Alec's shoulders. "What do you mean?"

Ashamed Alec looked down and rose his sleeve to wipe his cheeks and nose, not looking at Magnus at all. "Just...why did you choose me to love? Why not Jace, or...someone more good looking." Magnus felt like all air had been pushed out of him, and he swallowed hard. How long had this been going on for without him seeing it? "Because, Alexander, in 800 years and 17.000 partners, no one have ever made me feel like this before. You make me happier than I've ever been. I love you Alec, I would never, ever, leave you again. I love you."

Alec smiled, now bigger than last time, which made Magnus feel so relieved. "I love you too..." Magnus could see some light return to his dark eyes. He knew that Alec could need some time off of work, just to take care of himself. "What do you say we just watch a movie tonight?" He asked and smiled when he saw Alec nodding, a smile on his swollen lips. Raising a hand to snap his fingers bowls of ice cream appeared in their lap with a puff of smoke. Vanilla ice cream in pink bowls, with berries on top. Strawberries and cherries. He loved the smile that lit up Alec's eyes when he looked down at the bowl, and picked it up to taste it. "You're the best." He mumbled through a mouthful as he realized it was his favorite flavor. Magnus smirked and picked his own bowl up, taking a spoon. "Don't need a reminder." He mocked before he swallowed the cold sweetness. Alec looked at him as he swallowed, a soft smile on his red and swollen face. "Not just for this...for everything. I don't deserve you..."

Magnus smiled and leaned forward to press a finger against Alec's lips gently, silencing him. "Just let me make you feel better. Let me show you how much I love you everyday until you start to believe it." Alec smiled and Magnus wiped away some of the remaining tear stains with a soft thumb, making Alec blush even more. Looking at Magnus he couldn't help but wonder how he deserved this amazing man. This selfless, caring and loving human being. How did fate bring them together? 

Wiping away some ice-cream who had gotten stuck on Alec's lower lip Magnus slowly licked it off, letting the tip of his finger linger in his mouth for a few seconds. Blushing, Alec chuckled softly, and Magnus couldn't help but to lean forward and kiss Alec's inviting lips, who met him halfway. Words were worthless now, actions were needed. It was a soft and loving kiss, and Magnus could defiantly feel the taste of the ice cream still on Alec's lips. Breaking the kiss before it got heated he looked at Alec, who was already watching him with love and admiring in his eyes. "I really love you." Alec just spluttered out and quickly blushed when he realized what he had said, and Magnus couldn't help but laugh. "I love you too." He said, the love shining in his eyes. Cupping Alec's cheek gently he kissed him again, and Alec melted into it. Before they both knew it Alec had swung his leg over his lap and was now straddling him. The ice creams stood on the sheets, now forgotten. The kiss became more heated, and now Alec bit Magnus lower lip as he let his hand travel to the lower part of Magnus back. This side of Alec never showed outside of their bedroom. The dominant side. Magnus knew this was a distraction at the moment, but he was fine with it. Every time they make love is always as sweet as the first time, and he wanted to make Alec feel good. To make him forget, at least temporarily.

Magnus let out a sharp intake of breath when he felt Alec kiss down his neck, and before he knew it he had turned them around so he was laying on top of Alec. In doing so, Alec had gasped in surprise and gripped hold of Magnus shoulder, making them both grin in amusement. Diving in for another kiss Magnus gently touched Alec's stomach, and let his hand slid up underneath his shirt. Alec aced into the touch, pressing his lips together not to moan. Magnus noticed, and grinned before he kissed him again, and they both let out relieved laughs in between. Alec moved to take Magnus shirt off, who noticed and did it himself. Moving to take Alec's shirt off, they both ended up getting Alec stuck in the fabric with his elbow. Growling Magnus eventually got it off and threw it to the floor, leaving Alec laughing with his eyebrows raised. "Smooth." He teased, and Magnus could help but chuckle at the situation. Leaning down he kissed Alec again, making curious hands travel up to hold his shoulders. Raising his head from the pillow Alec kissed Magnus roughly, wanting to taste him even more. When they leaned back and just lay there for a moment, sharing breaths, they felt complete.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Please review :3


End file.
